I chose to go to school over getting married

Hello DGG team,

I’m a 22-year-old female and a final year university student.  My parents divorced when I was 9; ever since then it’s my mom who has been taking care of me; my dad used to send money but gradually it stopped. After Senior High School, my mom always questioned me about when I was going to get married. Initially I thought it was a joke, so I didn’t take her seriously. One vacation when I went home, she let a man into my room unbeknownst to me, when I went to take a shower.  It’s a miracle I was able to escape from the man. 

I told my pastor at church about the incident and when he confronted my mom about what she did she threatened to kick me out of the house because I had disgraced her. I can’t tell my dad about this because it’s difficult to reach him. Sometimes when I’m in school my mom randomly calls me and verbally abuses me because I choose to go to school over getting married. This is getting tough for me and it’s even affecting me academically. I often feel physically and mentally overwhelmed by my situation and I’m unable to concentrate as I’m supposed to. Also, I’m torn between reporting her to the rightful authorities or not because if I do report her who will take care of me?

Thank you for reaching out to the DGG team. Marriage is an institution that should be between two consenting adults, feeling able and capable of handling their own affairs. If you don’t feel ready to get married, even though you are legally able to marry, then you are not ready to get married. Parents should not force their children to marry. Talk to your mother yourself. Explain to her that you equally have the desire to get married, and you have dreams of enjoying your marriage, hence, your decision not to rush into marriage or settle for just anyone. If her concern is about finances, assure her that you are willing to help her run the home once you are done with school and you get a job. Whilst talking to her, ensure that your language is calm and respectful, not abusing, accusing, or hurting. You can set the tone to this conversation by first writing her a letter, then following up with the conversation. If this does not work, find an adult family member, and get the person to talk to your mom on your behalf or to witness the conversation you have with your mother. For yourself, take steps to become independent, build connections now whiles in school, take part in volunteering jobs and opportunities to build yourself and make you desirable for the job market. Take part in job fairs your institution may organize and start making yourself ready for the job market. You could also find a passion to grow into a business which can also become a source of income for you. Being independent may lessen the pressure you receive from her.