PERIMENOPAUSE: FROM PARTNERS TO ROOMMATES

Salome Ahene Mate

“Something has changed. I don’t know exactly when it started, but I know how it feels. Conversations are shorter. Touch feels transactional or absent altogether. When I reach out, emotionally or physically, I’m met with irritation, exhaustion, or a distant “not now.” When I try to talk about it, it turns into an argument. I’m told I’m too sensitive, that I don’t understand the pressure they’re under. So, I retreat. I keep my disappointment to myself. And slowly, resentment starts to replace intimacy. What I didn’t realise – what we didn’t realise -is that this distance wasn’t a loss of love. It was the beginning of a transition neither of us had named: perimenopause.”

Perimenopause, the transitional period before menopause when hormone levels fluctuate, can last several years and bring a wide range of physical and emotional symptoms. These shifts affect the individual womanand the couple as a unit and, if unaddressed, can erode trust, intimacy, and communication.

Misunderstanding the Physical Symptoms

Many couples assume perimenopause is “just hot flashes” or “a minor phase.” In reality, women often experience vaginal dryness, decreased libido, painful sex, fatigue, and disrupted sleep, all driven by hormonal changes. These symptoms are not trivial; they physically affect intimacy because decreased oestrogen causes thinner vaginal tissue and discomfort during sex. Partners may interpret a reduced desire for sex as rejection or loss of attraction when it is actually physiological.

Emotional and Cognitive Mismatches

Besides affecting the body, perimenopause affects the mind and mood. Common emotional symptoms include: mood swings, anxiety, irritability, brain fog and forgetfulness, sleep disruption, and fatigue. Partners may perceive it as anger or criticism and respond emotionally, without realising that these reactions might stem from hormonal shifts, rather than fundamental relationship issues. This misinterpretation can lead to frequent conflicts, emotional distancing, and an erosion of cohesion, which sometimes leaves both partners feeling unheard and misunderstood.

Communication Breakdowns

One of the biggest errors couples make is not talking about perimenopause openly. The symptoms are often invisible, leading to assumptions such as: “Why are you always annoyed?”“Are you losing interest in me?” “Is this really just moodiness?” Perimenopause is not a failure of character; it is a biological transition. When partners do not talk about it, resentment and confusion can develop. Couples may inadvertently walk on eggshells, avoid important conversations, take reactions personally, or misread physical changes as emotional distance.

Consequences on Marriage Cohesion

When couples get it wrong, the consequences extend beyond a rough patch. There is:

Reduced intimacy or avoidance: Unaddressed physical discomfort can lead to less sexual activity, which is misinterpreted as a lack of attraction or emotional withdrawal. This can create insecurity and distance in the relationship.

Emotional Distance: Mood swings and sleep disruption can make partners irritable or emotionally unavailable even when they do not want to be. Without empathy and awareness, these breed misunderstanding and conflict.

Breakdown in Shared Life Quality: Chronic fatigue, night sweats, and brain fog can reduce energy for shared activities or meaningful conversations. Couples may become “roommates” rather than emotionally connected partners.

How to Overcome These Challenges

The good news? Perimenopause does not have to be a relationship crisis. With awareness and effort, it can even deepen intimacy and understanding. When both partners learn what perimenopause involves and understand the physiological underpinnings, the relationship can become a team navigating change rather than adversaries in conflict. This can be achieved through open and scheduled conversations where couples set aside intentional time to discuss how each partner feels, and ways to support each other. Intimacy does not have to be limited to sexual activity alone. Affection, touch, shared hobbies, and emotional presence are essential parts of connection, especially when desire fluctuates.

Seek Professional Help

Perimenopause doesn’t just affect women – it affects marriages. When couples misunderstand what’s happening, intimacy suffers, communication breaks down, and emotional distance grows. But with awareness, empathy, and support, couples can remain partners, not ‘roommates’. If you need help to successfully navigate this phase, do not hesitate to reach out to Dialogue Genitalia Ghana for professional assistance.

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